Somebody to love

What makes it worthwhile to love someone? When I look around at people in love all i see is pain or blindness. Everyone is always crying and punching walls. When they're not crying or punching walls, they willingly turn a blind eye on everything that's wrong. I long for that short period at the beginning when everything is sparkling new and nothing is ever wrong and no one is broken or has any baggage. It never lasts long enough, and once it's over what makes people stay?

I could never last long in a relationship once the honeymoon period was over. I'm not sure if that's because I'm a bad person, because I wasn't willing to work at the relationship. Or is it because I wasn't truly in love. Looking back at what my relationships were I can't tell if I left because the novelty wore off, because I could tell it wasn't right for me, because I was too afraid, or why else. But no one fought for me, so it doesn't really matter anyways does it. My last boyfriend said that he loved me, that he wouldn't get over me, that he would wait for me until I was ready to date again. Then he found someone else and didn't even have the decency to tell me to my face, I thought I meant more to him than that. Before him I had a boyfriend who told me that he was terrified that I would leave him, and he slept with half the school within a year of our break up. So what makes it worthwhile to hold on to someone, even after they're gone? How long until you can give up on them?

How long until you give up on yourself?

How?

I've been really afraid of things lately. Afraid of losing my job, I know that I won't because there aren't enough people on staff anyways. Afraid that I won't do well when I go back to school, even though I know that I'm a good student. Afraid that I will end up alone, even though I have so many caring people in my life.

I'm so afraid of fading into the background but I feel like it might be a good thing if I just let it happen. The person that I am right now isn't foreground material. She isn't worth noticing. I constantly let people walk over me. Why? Because I don't have anything to stand for.

I need to be the perfect person. So no one can look at me and pity me anymore. But I don't know how to get there.

A New Start

This is my fresh start. I'm done focusing on being a stick person. Yes, I still want to be thin and beautiful, but I want to be delicate not sickly. There is a person that I want to be, and I want to be her so desperately that it hurts. The thing is, I don't just want to look like her, I want to be her, inside and out. I'm finished with the charade, of painting on a face every day and trying to keep it from washing off. This is me and my attempt at not wearing a mask of that person. This is me and my attempt to just be that person.